I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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