I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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