I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
