I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
