Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
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Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
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It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize