He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
