A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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