I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Randomize
