Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
