I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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