i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
