drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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