So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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