Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
