I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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