Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
