I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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