coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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