I haven't been this sober since birth.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
