I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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