The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
