When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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