I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
