Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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