Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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