Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
