oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
