Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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