This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
