remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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