she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize