What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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