There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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