Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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