when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
