If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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