This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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