He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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