I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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