like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
