"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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