My liver just broke up with me...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
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It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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