She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
