I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
