Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i believe in u and ur pee
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
