Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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