Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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