Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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