Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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