I need to stop coming to work sober
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
