It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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