I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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