Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
