Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
