In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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