I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
