if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
