dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
