I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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