I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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