just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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