I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
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on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
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just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
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