Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i wish my penis had a tongue
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
