I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
